


Return Trip

by Hecate1412



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicide, it's really just a heart to heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 19:20:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12659784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hecate1412/pseuds/Hecate1412
Summary: On the way back home from a audition at Berklee, Michael opens up about why it took so long for him to ever be willing to admit his romantic feelings for Jeremy.





	Return Trip

It started with a text from Chloe. Michael personally wished she would leave him alone, but he never had that much luck. Usually, if Chloe texted him, she wouldn’t stop until she got what she wanted. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t tell him what she wanted and after hours of pestering, he finally figured it out.

 

_“You want to know how I knew I was gay.”_

 

Of course, she denied that was her question (as usual because why would she be wondering that?) but still demanded that Michael explain so he did. And the truth was that he just never had feelings for girls. He tried to explain this, but she didn’t understand it he was getting frustrated enough by the conversation that Jeremy decided to steal his phone.

“It’s not important,” he said because Michael was not supposed to be stressed. They were crammed in a car on their way home from Boston, Massachusetts. Michael had an audition at Berklee for admissions, and he thinks it went well. Jeremy, who had been listening through the door of the auditorium, thinks it went well. His mothers had heard his audition song on the drums before they left and had absolute faith in his abilities. The stressful part of the weekend was supposed to be over and yet.

“I’m sorry, just…she wanted to know…she asked me how I knew I liked guys,” he told Jeremy, who made sure to keep Michael's phone out of reach. They were awkwardly cuddling in the back seat, being as comfortable as they could next to each other while still being strapped into a seatbelt.

“Okay?”

“And she asked what the difference was between the feelings I had for guys and girls. I mean, pretty girls still get me flustered, how could they not, but—”

“Man, I feel you on that one.”

“I think we’re just awkward, but that’s not the point. You remember Austin Crisp from first grade? He had super curly hair, stunning green eyes.”

“Uh…I don’t think so. We didn’t meet until second grade, so he probably wasn’t in my class.”

“He transferred at the end of second grade so that’s why you probably don’t remember him, but he was my first crush.”

“Oh? Do you have a type?” Jeremy teased.

“Not particularly. My type is you, but that’s not the point. I mean, you’re hair isn’t curly, it’s floufy and your eyes are blue, not green.”

“Close enough.”

“Brycen’s eyes were brown and he was a blond.”

“Alright, alright, I get it.” Michael glanced up at Aliya who was giving him a look in the rearview mirror. He knew what she was thinking and glared in return.

“Don’t give me that look, I’ll talk about Brycen if I want to.” Because that boy was a touchy subject in their family. Aliya wanted no mention of him in her household. Michael usually only talked about him rarely. He returned his attention to Jeremy. “Back to what we were talking about before. I was trying to explain to her the difference between the feelings I felt. With Austin, my heart would race and he’d look at me and my face would flush. He’d talk to me and I would forget my words. And like…I hadn’t felt like that with anyone up until I eventually met Brycen in eighth grade.

“Had you ever with a girl?”

  
“No.”

“Then just say that.”

“I did. She didn’t understand. There was a girl in fifth grade, Ruby something, who had a crush on me. And I don’t know if you remember back then, but I used to get upset a lot. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t feel the same way with Ruby that I did with Austin. I honest to god thought something was wrong with me.”

“I do remember that,” Jeremy pipped in, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. “You cried at our sleepover.”

“Yeah. I just…I knew that Aliya and Rosa were gay and that they told me it was okay, but parents talked a lot back then Jeremy. They always told me they were sorry that I had to grow up with such a terrible influence. They made me think my parents were wrong.”

“People are fucking dumb.”

“Yeah, but I was young, and I didn’t know better. Both Aliya and Rosa have talked to me about it since then, but back then I tried to force it and it just…didn’t work.” That was not a good time in Michael’s life. His life leading up to the end of middle school was a constant struggle.

“Michael, do you remember what I told you when you asked if it was wrong for a boy to love a boy or a girl to love a girl?” Michael shook his head no. “I said love is love. That’s all there is to it. You can’t place boundaries or rules, just…when you’re in love, you’re in love.”  
  
“That was around the beginning of eighth grade wasn’t it?” Jeremy wasn’t sure, but Michael was. “It probably was. That’s around the time when I first met Brycen. Ha! That was such a shit storm, but I did like him. At the time, I loved him.”

“Who could blame you? He initially seemed like a really cool guy.”

“Yeah, except he isolated me. He isolated me from you specifically.” There was silence between them before Jeremy finally choked out some words.

“I mean…it’s okay. You were really really happy. I didn’t mind.” They both knew that was a lie, but Michael didn’t comment on it.

“Yeah, I _was_ happy.”

“Well, it’s in the past. He can kindly fuck off and we have each other now, which is super fucking cool.”

“I told you about the video right?” Michael was well aware of it and he doubted Jeremy had been able to avoid it either. Brycen had a friend record the entire thing, and the video followed Michael around for the rest of eighth grade.

“Yeah, you told me about it.”

“Did you ever watch it?”

“Why the fuck would I have ever watched it. People tried to show me the video, but I told them to turn it off before I punched them too,” because that was something Jeremy had done. He’d literally broken Brycen’s nose the next time he saw him and had happily accepted the detention.

“Have you ever had love turn everything sour?” Michael asked, absently running his hands through Jeremy’s hair.

“I…don’t know what you mean.”

“I’m just not realizing this is such a shit environment to talk about this, but I’m tired and feel oddly comfortable and safe, so I’ll keep talking but…after everything with Brycen…” he sighed. “You said you could tell when I was faking a smile or had a feeling when something was wrong. Could you tell back then?”

“Well, I remember you looked weaker than normal. I don’t know how to put it properly, but you looked defeated.”

“That sounds about right.”

“That time period was a stump in both of our lives.” Michael had his own problems, but that year was also the time when things started to fall apart with Jeremy’s family. “I still don’t really understand what you mean when you asked if I've ever had love turn everything sour.”

“I loved him,” Michael admitted, avoiding the look his mom shot him. “Not like I love you, but I had some strong feelings for Brycen, Jeremy, and then he just…threw them back in my face. And you have a lot of time to think when you’re stuck in a shed for two nights. And it’s like all the feelings I had for him went bad. They were still there but they’d gone sour or bad like milk and it affected how I felt and how I saw everything and how I saw myself.

“He deceived you and that’s a natural reaction to have.” Michael said nothing so Jeremy continued. “It’s heartbreaking and confusing, especially since he was your first.”

“Yeah, I guess. Back then I was still trying to piece things together. If loving someone was okay—loving another guy. It wasn’t until the summer before high school that my moms actually sat me down and we had a talk about it.”

“Geez, I should have done much more than break this fuckwads nose.”

“Maybe… but it didn’t help that almost soon after I felt the same way about you that I did with Brycen. Like it was so sudden, and I was really fucking scared, so I just hid it.”

“Oh. That—that explains a lot, actually. I always wondered why your immediate reaction was to hide your feelings from me. I’ve wondered why you didn’t just tell me. It’s not like it’s a bad thing, but I couldn’t figure it out because back then, and still, now, you would always come to me immediately when you learned something new or were excited about something. So, when you admitted that you’d been crushing on me since eighth grade I was a little shocked. I was certain you would have just told me, but…you were afraid and confused.”

“Yeah.”

“And that’s okay.”

“Sour love makes you think the worst of everyone and everything. Pople treated me weird after that like I was the butt of a joke, which I was. And I had these feelings for you and I wanted to tell you but somewhere in the back of my head there was this little voice that kept saying ‘he’s gonna be another Brycen’ and I wouldn’t have been able to handle that.”

“Oh god. I swear I'm not like him, Michael.”

“I know you’re not. If you were, if you ever left me like he did…I'm pretty sure Aliya would have to physically force me to a psych ward for my own safety.” The concept of suicide was a touchy one, but Michael doubted he would be able to handle someone, especially Jeremy, leaving him like that again.

“Is it still sour?”

“No, not really? Sometimes it is, I guess, but it’s gotten better. Of course, this would also explain why I got so mad when Chloe said I only loved you because my parents are gay, which made me gay. Whatever, Chloe’s dumb, and she doesn’t know anything, and I wasn’t really myself for a while after that, not until we got to high school. I mean, I faked it for you and for the few friends who still wanted me around at the time. We all know how that turned out.” Because Michael had been two steps from taking his life the summer before high school, and by some miracle, a stranger had happened to stumble upon him and talked him out of it.

Unwillingly, Michael’s mind began to drift to the party last fall. It was making unnecessary connections between that time with Jeremy and the issue with Brycen and Michael tensed up immediately trying to dispel the thoughts. He figured he would change the topic.

“So Texas?” He asked because Jeremy had been thinking about it. He wanted to be an educator and he was on the prowl for the best school to help him reach his goal. “Is it better than the program at Illinois state?” Jeremy looked hesitant, but it was obvious Michael didn’t want to think about the past anymore, so Jeremy obliged and started talking about the different programs at the different schools for a reminder of the trip.

**Author's Note:**

> I guess it's not really explained well in this story, but in middle school this Guy named Brycen dated Michael for a month or two and then one day asked him to meet him by this shed behind the school. Once there, Brycen basically shoved him into this shed, laughed at him and claimed "who'd ever want to date a loser like you." 
> 
> He had a friend record the entire thing, and that floated around the school for a while and i may get around to actually typing up that entire thing as its own fic. Who knows. 
> 
> I did my best with editing 
> 
> thanks for reading


End file.
